Uncertainty

I am unsure right now. Actually, I am unsure most of the time and it’s a feeling that has been with me my whole life let alone after becoming a paraplegic. I don’t like the uncertainty.

I also don’t like the little bumps along my road to recovery. I want to be strong and shrug them off, but at times it’s difficult to find the strength.

Here’s the truth. Everything is slow now. Daily routines take forever. I have bowel and bladder accidents once or twice a week. Last week I had my first Urinary Tract Infection – this manifested in increased pain and decreased energy. Some days I sleep well, others I stay up with pain. My back is knotted so tightly that it feels like muscle is being torn from the bone. And I don’t feel confident being alone.

My list of uncertainties and insecurities prior to the accident is twice as long. Every where I go there I am. And as before I still find moments of joy and beauty.

A successful transfer to or from my chair, a note from a friend, a squirrel in the yard, the wind in the trees, the sun on my face, the smell of sage, and my forehead pressed into Jacki’s.

Where will this all lead? I have no clue. I am just happy I still have the opportunity to be here.

This week’s update:
Jacki and I are well. She’s been a rock star. I do my best to keep her in my positive mind. Miriam (my sister) has been a welcome help with not only me, but around the house too (she repaired our furnace).

I am getting stronger, navigating the house well, continuing our daily outdoor strolls. The UTI cleared up with antibiotics, we proved that I can still sweep and cook, I still have a hard time getting dressed in the chair – pants, I prefer to get dressed in bed, I broke my brace in two places during PT, repaired brace with duct tape, the pain is down but at times it ca still be up, car transfers are a work in progress, and I’m feeling more motivated to make new images.

See you out there,

Louis

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